Be OK
by Drumskinny
Summary: Ever wonder how Claudia made the transition from grieving fiancee to Lisa's cheerful, tea-toting relationship coach? I'd imagine it was a fairly rough journey.
1. Chapter 1

The insistent beeping of her alarm clock pierced through her thoroughly pleasant dream of relaxing on a deserted beach with her love. "Oh Roy, we need to take some leave and have a real vacation!" Claudia pried her heavy lids apart and the red glow of her alarm clock touting the time of 5:32am burned into her eyes. Registering her empty room and cool half of the bed, the realization hit her before she could block it out. _Roy's dead._ Rolling over, Claudia curled into a fetal position and wept, her bitter cries accompanied by the alarm.

Her head pounded fiercely and mouth felt dry. The stickiness on her face confirmed she hadn't removed the previous day's makeup. "On shut up!" Claudia snarled, sweeping her arm out and throwing the alarm clock to the floor. Blessedly, the blaring ceased, but Claudia knew her day was just starting. Slowly, Claudia pushed the covers down and moved to a sitting position. Her head spun, and her eyes felt like they were going to migrate out of their sockets. She felt her foot brush against something cool and smooth. She cracked an eye open and spotted an empty Jameson bottle in the semidarkness. One hand blindly reached over to her bedside table, finding the aspirin bottle. She popped two pills and gagged, feeling the pills stick to the back of her throat. Shuffling out of her room, Claudia went to the kitchen. She set her Keurig to the largest setting and stuck an oversized cappuccino mug under the spout. She turned her head and when her eye fell upon her couch, her heart gave a painful lurch. Claudia saw Roy there in her mind's eye. The spot where he drew his last- Claudia swallowed hard and did not finish the thought. She made her way to the bathroom for a shower. Her limbs felt heavy as if she was moving underwater. "Oh Roy, what is the point?" Claudia thought wearily, closing her eyes and letting the scalding water pour over her head.

* * *

Hours later, Claudia was at her workstation, diligently focused on ordinance reports. It had been three weeks since the funeral. The Admiral had given her one week of bereavement leave, which she spent holed up in her quarters with the mild sedatives prescribed by the ship's doctors and whatever bottle was available. She shunned any company, even Lisa's. Lisa hardly ever checked in with Claudia anyway as she was distracted by both her own grief and her developing feelings for Rick Hunter. Even in her bleary state, Claudia could see something between the two officers. Something one was completely blind to and the other in firm denial. Lisa's infrequent visits suited Claudia just fine. Lisa didn't see the pill and alcohol bottles strewn across Claudia's quarters. She didn't see Claudia's fits of rage and sobs of bitterness and regret. Or when Claudia would drink and sedate herself into blissful oblivion to keep the memories of Roy from haunting her. It was better her best friend be spared these sights. Claudia carried her grief alone.

When she returned to work, no one would have guessed how self destructive Claudia was in her off hours. Her peers only noticed Claudia was understandably more subdued. It took a Herculean effort to go through the motions of her day to day. Claudia leaned back from her workstation and stretched her neck. She could feel eyes on her and she resented the pity. "Well! It's about time for a break!" she announced in a too bright voice that sounded brittle to her ears.

Lisa glanced over. "I may join you in a bit."

"Fine!" Claudia waved cheerfully as the hatch closed behind her, shutting out the inevitable concerned whispers of her crewmates. Claudia sighed deeply and dipped a hand into her jacket pocket. Her fingers brushed against a small flask, and she felt reassured. "Just need something extra to get me through the afternoon," she thought as she headed for the mess.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Lisa stood hesitantly at the doorway leading from the mess to the observation deck. It took her a few moments to find Claudia seated at a table tucked away in a far corner. The grief her friend refused to allow to be seen by Lisa and the Bridge crew was now plainly visible on Claudia's beautiful features. Lisa's heart ached and she knew too well what her friend is feeling. "I've had that same look after Karl died," Lisa murmured and took a step in Claudia's direction. Lisa froze when she spied another familiar figure make his way to the lower observation deck in the opposite direction. His shuffling gait indicated Rick Hunter was still not fully recovered from his hospital stint. Lisa chewed the corner of her lip and changed direction, throwing a brief backward glance at the grieving woman seated at the corner table.

Claudia watched Lisa change direction and head toward the lower observation deck. She could easily guess Lisa's motive and let a half smile touch her lips. "All the luck to you, my friend." She reached into her pocket and discreetly poured a bit more whiskey into her already spiked coffee. Whiskey was Roy's go to, but Claudia never cared much for it until recently. Drinking it made her feel closer to him, and now felt she couldn't do without it. Claudia could finally see the appeal of the strong spirit and understood why Roy would reach for the whiskey, especially after a particularly hard skirmish. It blunted the harshness of war's reality nicely. Claudia sipped her cup and relished the warm burn. She knew she would have to double up on the Altoids before heading back to her post.


	2. Chapter 2

Claudia leaned against the door to her quarters and sighed. "Another day done," she muttered, bending down to remove her high heels. The sharp edges of her grief were nicely blunted by the surreptitious sips she took from her flask throughout the day, and she congratulated herself on still being able to competently function at her job. "Now it's time for the real party," Claudia declared, making her way to the liquor cabinet. She found the cabinet empty. "What in the world?" Claudia muttered, rooting through her quarters and inspecting each bottle she found, only to find them all empty. "Guess it's time to restock," Claudia decided, moving to her bedroom to change into civilian clothes.

She had just pulled a sweater over her head when she heard a knock on the door. "What now?" Claudia wondered irritably.

"Claudia? It's Lisa," her friend's voice was slightly muffled from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?"

Claudia sighed. There goes her plans to self-medicate. "One minute, Lisa," Claudia called back, grabbing her purse. She opened the door barely wide enough to squeeze out. There was no way she was going to let Lisa see the state of her quarters. "I was just about to head out to grab a bite," she said, quickly shutting the door behind her.

If Lisa thought Claudia was behaving strangely, she didn't comment. Instead she asked, "Care for some company?"

"Sure," Claudia replied with an easy wave, and the two women made their way down the corridor.

"Where would you like to go for dinner?" Lisa asked.

"Well, certainly not the liquor store," Claudia thought wryly. "I'm not sure," she replied. After a pause she added truthfully, "I haven't had much of an appetite lately."

"I see," Lisa looked thoughtful. "Well there is a tapas place called Merienda. We can split some small plates."

"And a pitcher or two of sangria - sold!" Claudia thought. "Great idea, Lisa," she nodded.

Merienda was a small, unassuming place tucked away from the bustling heart of "downtown" Macross. Claudia appreciated that Lisa selected a spot that was out of the way. Her appreciation grew when shortly after they placed their order, their waiter appeared with a large, inviting clay jug of sangria. He poured each of them a generous measure before setting the jug down on the table.

Lisa eyed her glass anxiously, knowing her tolerance level would be easily tested by this one glass. Claudia, on the other hand, took her first sip of the heady wine with relish.

"Ah, reminds me of that one weekend Roy and I spent together," Claudia said fondly. "We wandered the streets of Palma de Mallorca and happened upon a beachside cafe..." her voice trailed off and Claudia regarded her glass, lost in the bittersweet memory.

Lisa worried her bottom lip between her teeth. "Claudia, I just want to say I'm sorry," she began.

Claudia raised her eyebrows at her friend. "What for?"

"I haven't been a good friend to you lately," Lisa frowned. "I've been in your situation before, and I know the depth of pain you are feeling right now. I feel like I haven't been there for you."

"Lisa, honey, you also know that at times like these, it's sometimes fine to let me alone and give me space to grieve," Claudia said. "And I do appreciate the space. Besides," she adopted a playful tone, "I believe you have been otherwise occupied comforting another grieving soul."

Lisa blushed furiously and hastily took a gulp of her sangria, almost immediately coughing it up. "I don't know what you're talking about," she gasped, her eyes watering.

Claudia smiled genuinely for the first time in three weeks. "I'm not blind. It appears a certain flyboy has got under your skin."

"Claudia, I almost killed him," Lisa protested. "I feel terrible about it."

Claudia drained her glass and then refilled it almost to the brim. "Sure, sure," she nodded. "The daily hospital visits and chats over coffee are fueled by guilt. I see."

"There's no way he'd see me as anything other than his superior officer," Lisa muttered dejectedly.

"Not with that attitude!" Claudia retorted, and then softened her tone. "Well it may not be the right time to go declaring your feelings right now if he's probably still grieving."

Lisa glanced up. "Have you spoken to Rick lately?"

Claudia sighed deeply. She and Rick shared a brief hug at Roy's funeral, but still felt too raw and painful to be near him. Rick and Roy were brothers in every sense but blood. The similarities in mannerisms were heartbreakingly unbearable. Claudia knew that she and Rick were the only two people who knew and loved Roy better than anyone. It would make sense for them to seek each other out, but it had been too painful. Claudia sensed Rick felt the same way by how he equally kept his distance.

"I look at Rick, and I see a young Roy," Claudia said, taking a sip of sangria. "It's just too much. I know Roy would've wanted me to look out for his Little Brother, and I know I'm failing him," Claudia's voice shook, and her eyes filled.

Lisa grasped the other woman's hand, her eyes filling sympathetically. She felt haunted whenever she looked at Lynn Kyle and saw Karl instead. A part of her wished so badly that it was indeed Karl standing there a few feet away, alive and well. But when Kyle spoke... even though his words calling for peace reflected Karl's views, Kyle didn't have Karl's sincerity or conviction. "I understand," she nodded, giving Claudia's hand a squeeze. "And I'm sure Roy knows you're not failing him. I know exactly how you feel. That your heart has been shattered in a million pieces, and you wish more than anything to have him with you. It's been some time and I still miss Karl. But you will carry on, and continuing you life doesn't mean you'll love and miss Roy any less, believe me."

Claudia averted her face and brought a hand up, letting her tears soak into her napkin. She took several deep breaths to calm herself. Lisa patted her hand, but kept silent, letting Claudia work through her current wave of sadness.

Claudia wiped her eyes, gave herself a little shake and drained her glass. "I'd better freshen up," she said, getting up from the table. "Lisa, can you order another pitcher of sangria?"

Lisa blinked dubiously at the now empty clay pitcher. Her own glass was barely touched.

Dinner was a pleasant time for the two women. The small dishes of various foods looked appetizing enough to tempt Claudia's absent appetite, and she felt that it was the first good meal she had in awhile. By the end of the meal, there were three empty pitchers of sangria among the empty plates, but Claudia was as steady as she had been when they arrived at the restaurant. Lisa's pink cheeks, however, reflected the effect two glasses of wine had on her.

"Let's call you a cab," Claudia said, guiding Lisa out of the restaurant.

Lisa pressed a hand against her flushed face. "Do you need a ride to your quarters?"

"No," Claudia shook her head as she reached over to open the door of the cab that stopped for them. "I'll walk. I need to work off that delicious meal. Thanks for keeping me company."

"Text me when you get in," Lisa gave Claudia a hug before settling into the cab.

"Will do," Claudia shut the door and gave a wave. "See you tomorrow!"

She waited until the cab disappeared around the corner before turning and walking in the other direction, determined to complete the errand she originally set out to do.


End file.
